Edited appearance?

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*le shrug* I'm still on the fence.
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Ick. High Coholestreal? I can’t even spell it yet!

 

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So last night, at midnight, Usdm hands me my zoloft pill. He asks if I need some water. I groggily shake my head no, collect some spit, and down it. No chaser needed, thanks. I fall back asleep.

hangover-carl-purcell

1:45 hits and I’m awakened by an intense pain shooting through my chest. Oh fuck- I’m having a heart attack! No, wait.. that happens with the left arm? Bleh. I go to the bathroom, heavily salivating from my mouth. Foaming, infact.

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My chest is tight, it hurts to inhale, and it feels as though something is lodged within my throat. Erg. I do the two finger try to throw it up. Little would believe this, as I weigh only 100lbs, but I didn’t know how. Nothing except tons of spit all over my fingers. Gross.

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Usdm is conked and doesn’t even wake up. “Omg, what if I pass out and die?” I think. “ARGH USDM WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP NOW!”

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He meanders to the bathroom and (don’t forget he was asleep) says: Audge, shh, I’m trying to sleep. I’m panicking and putting clothes on and shoes without socks. Forget this, I’m off to the E.R. I CAN’T FRIGGIN BREATHE!

He lays in bed and tells to calm down and just… chill. I’m hyperventilating, sweating and within seconds, I’m out the door and in my SUV.

mY suv <3

mY suv ❤

 

I speed to the E.R and get in immediately due to the fact it is a breathing problem at hand. This nice Dr. takes my story etc. He listens to my heart, lungs, etc. He orders some tests. He leaves.

Who, ME?!

Who, ME?!

I can hear Usdm in the hallway “Uhm.. my girlfriend? shes small, cute.. can’t breathe?” He comes into my room. I glare, and he smiles weakly. Its 2:30am, I feel safer.

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Someone comes to take my blood, we chat about HIV transmission risks of her job, probably the last conversation she wants to have with me..

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Someone else comes to put stickers all over my legs (that have, written in pen, “I LOVE USDM!”- Don’t judge, I got bored at work.) and arms, and neck and chest (“Er, This isn’t someone like your brother, right?” – I crack up giggling) and hooks me up to machines.

My Usdm

My Usdm

Someone ELSE comes and makes me drink a shooter of some pink/white substance that smelt, appeared, and tasted like cheap highschool soap. Ugh. however, it made my tongue numb and that made me laugh like another barrel of monkeys had opened. It coated my throat/tube so the medication I swallowed and lodged didn’t burn through my esopogus.. yay? The pain subsided with this luckily.

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Ew, the worst part is: Dr. came back, gave me the okay to leave. He added as a side note that my blood pressure was a little high for my age and size. He also told me that my potassium levels were low so he was going to give me some potassium. If you have EVER had this potassium drink, you know what I’m saying by GROSS. They mixed it with orange juice to try and help but it tasted like.. salty orange juice mixed with gasoline. Not that I have any knowledge of that. It made me cry and once I was half down the first glass, I added MORE orange juice, thinking that would help. Instead, I had to drink TWO of these god-awful drinks.

Needless to say, I’m home, Usdm is exhausted at work today, I slept until 12, and it is really friggin windy out there.

So U Had a Bad Day

Sometimes, I have these angry spurts were I get incredibly pissed off, walk around the house calmly and trash it. My boyfriend just stares at me, knowing not to even move.

Then I go to my bedroom. I chill and write stupid as shit blogs, and voila, I go back out and clean it.

Nobody said it was easy, folks. Sometimes, trashing your house is what helps.

Obama, Obama, where is your mama?

The Obama cheerleaders are under scutiny, I see. It was coming even though it would have been awe-inspiring if it didn’t. Can you imagine? A president, *ahem* a BLACK president who did everything perfect, first time around? Why didn’t they think of this sooner.

The fact that I’m Canadian leaves something to be said.

Ick. Boyfriends home for lunch and I’m only wearing one slipper and drinking my third hot chocolate.

I’m pretty excited…

My sister is enrolling into a college to get gel nail, manicures and pedicures, as well as a waxing certificate.

Norma and me!

Norma and me!

Do you know what this means?

Oh yes. Her baby sister is gonna have some cute toes!

Model Mayhem

I found this gorgeous make up on a model in the dentist on Friday. She has the same(ish) face as mine and the make up article had me at “rosebowl”.

Don’t tell anyone… but I switched seats into a secluded corner- AND I RIPPED THE PAGE OUT AND STUFFED IT IN MY PURSE!

..Such a rebel. 200x200_photo189151

Introducing:

Sarah Daniel Dolphin

Warning: Sexual Explicite Material.. but funny all the same!

Sometimes.. Okay, often, I peruse the personal ads on kijiji just because they make me laugh hysterically.. and I’m ridiculously immature about sexuality.

I can’t imagine what it would be like to meet a stranger and get them to clean your house? Maybe in a tutu? Strange.
I’m curious as to what they look like. Stupid sounding, I know. I have been so close to reply with a quick, “hey baby. I’m 45, red hair, blue eyes, meet me at this coffee shop, I’ll be playing with a slinky.”
The only reason I haven’t done this:
1. Golden rule.
2. I’m scared.
3. I need a better hobby and I know this.
I just find this little kijiji area endlessly hilarious. I’m always giggling away in my office corner while my boyfriend groans with a, “ugh, kijiji again? God, you are weird.”
..and sometimes, when I need a really GOOD laugh? I re-write it in my mind to make it even more condescending and ridiculous.
Warning: Sexually explicit material.
Hi ladies I am a good looking 45 year old male , well endowed  and I wish to serve you in any way you wish. Do you need someone like me to do chores around the house ? or maybe dress up in a small outfit and entertain your friends ? Whatever you wish let me know .. first come first served !!
I am wanting to share the opportunity of being with two younger ladies. My time here is limited ( health issue ) and every man has this same fantasy. I do not want you feeling sorry for me or nothing like that. I simply want to fullfill a fantasy. I am white, 46, 6′ tall, 175 lbs. Also….I am married but I just need to do this. Please let me know.
Looking for a “golden shower”, that is correct, hover over me and let go. Clean and discreet male here , late forty, slim and discreet, safe to be with. Please give it a try.

We met at a party. You were with your husband. We chatted briefly. You were wearing black. Would like to know is there something there?

I met a fireman that was in Thunder Bay for a “Mock Disaster”, he is from Burlington, about 5ft 5in, was a hockey player and was also involved in the rescue diving.  We met at a bar called Scuttlebutts, I was the nurse with the “nice arms”.  I wish that I would have at least got his email so that we could keep in touch.  If you know this hot, young, fireman please feel free to bring this add to his attention.