Model Mayhem

I found this gorgeous make up on a model in the dentist on Friday. She has the same(ish) face as mine and the make up article had me at “rosebowl”.

Don’t tell anyone… but I switched seats into a secluded corner- AND I RIPPED THE PAGE OUT AND STUFFED IT IN MY PURSE!

..Such a rebel. 200x200_photo189151

Introducing:

Sarah Daniel Dolphin

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Warning: Sexual Explicite Material.. but funny all the same!

Sometimes.. Okay, often, I peruse the personal ads on kijiji just because they make me laugh hysterically.. and I’m ridiculously immature about sexuality.

I can’t imagine what it would be like to meet a stranger and get them to clean your house? Maybe in a tutu? Strange.
I’m curious as to what they look like. Stupid sounding, I know. I have been so close to reply with a quick, “hey baby. I’m 45, red hair, blue eyes, meet me at this coffee shop, I’ll be playing with a slinky.”
The only reason I haven’t done this:
1. Golden rule.
2. I’m scared.
3. I need a better hobby and I know this.
I just find this little kijiji area endlessly hilarious. I’m always giggling away in my office corner while my boyfriend groans with a, “ugh, kijiji again? God, you are weird.”
..and sometimes, when I need a really GOOD laugh? I re-write it in my mind to make it even more condescending and ridiculous.
Warning: Sexually explicit material.
Hi ladies I am a good looking 45 year old male , well endowed  and I wish to serve you in any way you wish. Do you need someone like me to do chores around the house ? or maybe dress up in a small outfit and entertain your friends ? Whatever you wish let me know .. first come first served !!
I am wanting to share the opportunity of being with two younger ladies. My time here is limited ( health issue ) and every man has this same fantasy. I do not want you feeling sorry for me or nothing like that. I simply want to fullfill a fantasy. I am white, 46, 6′ tall, 175 lbs. Also….I am married but I just need to do this. Please let me know.
Looking for a “golden shower”, that is correct, hover over me and let go. Clean and discreet male here , late forty, slim and discreet, safe to be with. Please give it a try.

We met at a party. You were with your husband. We chatted briefly. You were wearing black. Would like to know is there something there?

I met a fireman that was in Thunder Bay for a “Mock Disaster”, he is from Burlington, about 5ft 5in, was a hockey player and was also involved in the rescue diving.  We met at a bar called Scuttlebutts, I was the nurse with the “nice arms”.  I wish that I would have at least got his email so that we could keep in touch.  If you know this hot, young, fireman please feel free to bring this add to his attention.

To-Do?

I was supposed to do this last Tuesday? Shit.

1. Buy Tyson a birthday present.

2. Make a decision about a gym. (We chose Mawson, just waiting to find a time to begin.. right now isn’t so good with my boyfriends little mouth.)

3. Make a plan for hosting a get-together at my apartment. (Once again, we decided on this weekend but completely forgot about my boyfriends mouth. A blackberry can only do so much!)

4. Clean out my vehicle. (Erm… its still cold out? Excuses, excuses!)

5. Get boyfriend a doctor. (I’m so selfish… If I were to change this to say, “get ME a doctor” I’d have another striked off the list… Damn boyfriend!)

So we still have a birthday present to buy, a car to clean, and a doctor to find?

Lets try again..

1. Find Ty. a doctor.

2. Actually BUY a gym membership and get movin’!

3. Visit Ty’s parents. I love them to death.. I’m embarrassed that I actually have to put this on a to-do list but… No. forget it. I’m not. It ranges on the, “Your pathetic.” line.

3.  Get all recycling out of the house and into respective places.

4. Sign up for Flikr and find out cousins’ flikr/youtubes. Stalk them. Kidding.

5. Do something nice to Ty.

The Oscar Love

I’m drinking… gulping, chugging my double doubles at work. Last night was rough. Our neighbors dog came down around 8-9pm. They were at a staff party and we had keys to their apartment.

So Oscar and Fenris played until Oscar started getting frustrated with Fenris not backing off. We brought Oscar downstairs. Then, I fell asleep. I woke up to Oscar howling thoughout our apartment @ 11-12pm. Poor puppy. I had to work at seven in the morning and Ty. had blood streaming out of his mouth. Regardless, he went downstairs and got Oscar. Oscar is running around with Fenris, making tons of noise. I couldn’t shut them up! So I suggest Ty. goes and gets his crate and they will sleep side by side. He does.

We put them in their own respective crates. Finally, my head starts dozing and I hear him whimpering. I start talking to him and putting my fingers in his crate. He won’t stop. He gets louder.

Ty. and I agree maybe he needs Fenris. So we put Fenris in his crate with him. 20 minutes of pure quiet. Then, Fenris starts snoring and Oscar starts crying louder. Ick.

This time, its one in the morning. I’m in text with my neighbor about her dog. We experiment by bringing Oscar back downstairs to which he replies with screaming bloody murder. We bring him back up. I’m exhausted and Ty’s mouth is hurting and he just wants to lay down.

My boyfriend is a light sleeper so if he falls asleep and then has to answer the door to give them back their dog? No go. He knows he has to wait for them to return.

I feel guilty because this was my idea and I should be staying awake but Ty. re-assures me that I need sleep more then him.

Neighbours call and they say to put him downstairs, he should fall asleep, or maybe he can spend the night? I ask Ty. He shakes his head. He doesn’t want to be woken up in the morning because then he will be up early for good.

Bleh. We put him downstairs. He screams and barks and cries and I text her. It is two in the morning and he can’t stop barking. I know the neighbors are going to be pissed and I feel guilty: We care alot about these friends of ours. We are within 5 minutes of going back down to get him when luckily, they arrived home.

Needless to say, I snoozed about 6 times, ran in my car with my pajama shirt on, got my double-double, and ran into work. My co-worker looks and me and shakes her head, asking, “Holy, did you get any sleep? You are wearing the make up you wore yesterday.”

I nod, clutching my double double and tell her, “Gonna get right on that.” She laughs. I forgot to wear a bra.

perfection

Every single blog I read, the blogger seems to have the perfect life. Perfect husband, perfect job, perfect hobbies, etc.

I’m out of that competition. I’ve always failed at that.

High school: baggy pants, black eyeliner, dirty shirt, and I didn’t give a shit.

College: went to class in my pajamas, stayed up til 3 doing homework, puffy eyes, coffee in hand, dismayed hair.

After: cute but still struggling to ‘keep it together.’

… I’m okay with that. I’ve accepted that my thoughts are an oncoming train, my eyes don’t have the sexy doe look but more the deer caught in headlights, I wake up ten minutes before I have to be in my car, and sometimes, I don’t shower.

My boyfriend and I aren’t the perfect match but we are in love. Infact, I just told him to go fuck himself and he gave me the finger. I sleep with a stuffed animal, I drive a non-green SUV, and very rarely do I even need to wear a bra.

There I said it.

I’m not perfect. I don’t want to be.

:o)

My boyfriend and I;

literally get in the stupidest fights in the world. For instance, todays fight, will be archived as “T3’s or grow up!”

Ty. calls me and asks me if I could call the dentist to find out when his appointment is tommorow. I do so and also inquire about what kind of pain killers he will be on. T3’s you say?

My mind races back to a pre-chicago boyfriend who used to get stoned off these… Hmmm..

Bad-Ass A-Dub comes strolling out. I press re-dial to my boyfriends work. I non-bothersome inform him of his time and drug of choice and then slid in that maybe I could have a hook up to some t3s’ too.

He hangs up on me.

(Deep down, I wouldn’t have even touched them, I think I was looking for a fight. I’m not one for drugs!)

I stare at the phone and shrug. Oh well, it was worth a shot. I’m back to my ever-go-happy self. La, La, La. Dance around my bedroom in my panties…

ka-boom. I get an e-mail from Mister. Shit On Life.

Why i act lame? why cant you use your head. Im not hear to chat with you all willy nilly whenever you get bored. Im working. And to ask me if you can get high off my pills…you a little pill popping teen now? Grow up, they are given to me for a reason. Im gonna be in fucking pain.

I know, right? JERK!

As if. Oh well, I still love him.

Good Girl A-Dub

ps: I may have sent this e-mail first:

why u gotta act so lame?
peace. im going out with my friends.
Posted in Ty. and I. Tags: , . 1 Comment »

<3

You know those bubble gum tapes? I’ve ingested an entire roll in about an hour. My hands can’t stop shaking. My lips taste like sugar.

I’ve been awake since 7am, chugging starbucks venti cinnamon dolce lattes. I’ve done laundry, fixed my resume, handed out my resume, dropped off 3 huge boxes to the womens shelter, brought 75 (approx) plastic grocery bags to the daycare, walked the dog, ordered a new lisence and boght gas, disp soap, and vehicle windsheild washer.

It is 10:20 and I’m exhausted. I’m going to bed despite affirmed coffee chugging only to wake up @ 1 to see E. and figure out my struggling life.

Fun!